A Visionary Diva

Hi All.

I know I know where the hell have I been...I've been myspacing it up. I am addicted to myspace. I love it. Please stop by and say hi sometime. The book is good I finally got it done and so now I am saving to get it published myself. It's really expensive.

The boys are doing good. They spent mother's day asking when their dad was coming over so it really wasn't my day. But oh well what can you do.

can't wait to see you at myspace

Holla

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I made up my mind that I need to give myself a deadline. So I decided that by the end of March 2008 I would have my book finished and ready to start shopping publishing companies. Even if my book never went anywhere and I only got copies out to my friends and family I would be grateful.

So I've been at work every evening editing my book. I got all the writing done so now I am just tweaking it to my liking. I have about 100 pages of corrections I need to make. While sitting at my computer I found that my kids were in the living room enjoying eachothers company rather loudly so I closed my door. Sometimes my 3 boys can sound like 300 when they are playing.

After  a few minutes of typing and getting a zone I could hear my kids bunk beds banging loudly against the wall that our bedroom share. At first I just yelled to them to quite down..."OK" they all said in unison. So on with my typing I go. Again with the loud bumping of the bed up against the wall.

This time I got up...ready to yell at them and make them sit still. I opened the door and realized that they boys were still in the living room and although they were doing a little bit of playing there weren't the source of the loud bumping against the wall that I heard.

So I walk to their bedroom and see my big black pitbull, Crush, doing "you know what" to the comforters in my kids room. I mean this dude was really going at it. He had pushed the blankets up to the bed just right and everything..It sounded like he was going to come through the wall.

I removed the sheets and stuff and put them in the corner of the room by the time I went in the laundry room to get a laundry bag and came back he was at it again. I couldn't believe it. On one hand I was grossed out but on the other hand I couldn't stop laughing.

A while back we had two dogs. One being a female that we got after we got Crush. However with me and Dre going through so much and both of us working and me in school we just didn't have the time to spend with them and I always felt so quilty so we found a really nice family to take the female before she got to old and would find it hard to adjust to a new home. She was way younger than Crush and was always trying to do "you know what" with her but she wasn't having it. So when we got rid of her he was so sad and I guess he figured if he wasn't gettin none before he definitely wasn't going to get none now.

But I think he has improvised just fine. I just wish he could be more discreet...I mean really haven't I interfered with his physical happiness enough ROFLMAO!!!!

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 Yesterday we went to Golden Corral to eat. 

It was me, Dre, the boys,my sister, and her kids..so it was about 9 of us altogether. 
We sat down in an area that wasn't to crowded....there were a group of people in front of us a small table to the side of us and some ppl. sitting at a table caddy corner from us...the table that was caddy cornered was a girl from my job that had gotten there well after we did. When we first got to the table Dre spilled one of the drinks and he cleaned it up...we sat and began to eat when I saw two servers in our area...they served the table to the front and the table to the side of us but never came to our table to even introduce them self as our dining room attendant. So I was starting to get agitated but then there were a few dirty tables so I figured they were trying to get caught up and one of them would be over a.s.a.p so we could get another drink. Well I was wrong we sat there for 20 minutes watching them serve, pick up plates, replenish drinks etc...for the people on the side and front of us and even the girl that I said worked with me when she and her party came in after us. 
 I was so ticked...basically two servers were working in a U around us never once coming to say is everything alright ordo you need anything. I was pissed. Dre got up to see if he could find a manager when one of the other servers came from another section and served us all night..she was so nice but the other two servers were still working that section while she took care of our table. 

I just want to know what you would think? Am I wrong to think it was race related?

I'm just making sure I don't interrupt what happened in the wrong way. Sometimes I hear people speak of their experiences and I feel like they are way off base with categorizing their situation as a race related one. Sometimes they are in the wrong and just mad because they got called on it. I don't want to be that African American that thinks every time someone is rude or won't help them it's because of race. I mean I have worked retail before and some of the girls that work retail are bitches just because they either are by nature, they don't like their jobs, or both. So sometimes when I am in a store and the employee is rude I do wonder if it is because I am an African American or because they are just an asshole!!

I would love some feed back on this issue.

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I read a journal that pissed me off and to be honest I am not clear on my thoughts but immediately I was just a little pissed.

I live in a town where everyday I am faced with so much racism. My kids come home in tears sometimes because of the things people out in the world has said to them. I had to teach them about black history at home because they didn't learn about it in school. I am raising 4 boys and I want them to be strong African American men. They have to live here where they never see themselves represented (either bad or good) on the one television station that our town has so my husband and I decided to get cable so they could have some diversity.

We take them to Chicago for all cultural events because this town has nothing. Even with a big university in the area African Americans here are still called "nigger" and "boy" to their face. I have lived here for 4 years and I am sick of it. I have never noticed so much racism in the world until I moved here. I have people who are close to me of every race and I find that our relationships has become increasingly strained because I get sick of always being the "odd man out" all the time.

Maybe I am not verbalizing well and my thoughts seemed a bit jumbled but I just want to put it out there and be honest. I am ready to enjoy the company of other African Americans. Just one time I want to talk to someone who can understand what I go through and can really relate to the issues I have. That I am more than just a woman I am an African American woman living in a racist world.

My best friend in the whole world is a Caucasian woman and I love her so much but there is so much that I just can't talk to her about because she has never had to wonder if the woman in the store who won't help her is just a bitch who doesn't like her job and is just a rude person or is she a racist bitch who won't help me because I am a black woman. She has "white privilege" and she just can't see it because she is not that way. So I hold it in because I don't want to sound like that ignorant person who is always complaining that the white man is holding her down.

I have a nice job....I just graduated from college...I live in a decent house and I have 3 cars in the driveway....so no one is holding me down in that aspect and I never want my kids to develop that mentality but I don't like the fact that they know it is Black History Month and they learned nothing in school and I can't explain why. That the lady in the store follows us around because she thinks we are going to steal something when I make more money in a week then she probably makes in two. The only way we can get some diversity in our lives is to go out of town or rent movies from online because our local video store doesn't hardly carry any movies that are made by and for African Americans. It drives me crazy because we are a race that has accomplished so much and alot of what the world has now is because of an African American but yet these things are still pushed to the background. I only speak from experience and my experience is not a good one.

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Hi All,

I know it has been forever since I have written here. There has been so much going on with me. But honestly I just don't feel like reading about it. I would rather write about the conclusions I have come to. When I first started this journal I wrote as if I had no other readers. I wrote for myself. So I have decided to get back to that. I think for awhile I got caught up in how many comments I had and if I didn't have many I was depressed because I felt like I was unliked and then I became more depressed because I felt like how pathetic am I that I define my popularity by how many Internet friends I have and then on top of all that depression I became more depressed by the fact that it was even important to me and I was not doing what I love to do....Write. Basically I let what others thought of me dictate what I was going to write and how often I wrote. So I feel like the only way for me to regain my sanity and do what I enjoy doing....Write.

So here it goes:

I should be ashamed of myself. I am sitting here and there are so many other things I could be doing. My mind is constantly racing and I just feel like time is passing me by. I often wonder if one day my kids will read the many blogs that I have and get some insight about me and what type of person I was. It seems like they would get it just from growing up with me but life doesn't allow you to be friends with your kids. You have to be a parent so they don't really know me as a person. Do they really know that my life's passion is to write yet I can't allow myself to go there all the way because I worry if I will generate the kind of income we all have become accustomed to. Shallow? Yes I think so but sometimes I wonder if I can begin to change it.

There is something within me and there are so many something's. I have been one of those people that have worried about so many things but none of them really what I care about. Really I would call them distractions. It's like when you know you have a project that is pressing in on that deadline and you find everything else to do other than that project. Like when you start cleaning the dirty ceiling fans instead of writing a paper for school. I know what I want to do and what I need to do instead I try to clean the ceiling fans! I have been keeping it real in my mind but my actions prove other wise. Nothing about this life is what I expected or planned for myself and writing this brings unexplained tears to my eyes. At some points I take a pause and wonder if it all really makes a difference. Reading it back to myself I sometimes feel confused and when the music has stopped and the only thing I can hear is the clicking of my nails I wonder if I am even writing what I should or what I can read one day and it will inspire but yet my fingers keep moving in this direction and without even thinking my true self spills out on this "pad." I listen to the songs that are supposed to inspire and somehow they work because I keep typing and with every song I type faster.

So much in my mind. I am here is all I can think and yet the question of what I am here to do keeps coming to me. So much of me is for others and it's been that way for so long that I wonder if at this point I can change. That saying "a new day brings a new way" rings in my head but the "buts" and "what if's" keep coming in. Church people would say that it's the devil and the free spirits would say just let it flow. Well "what if" the flow is the wrong one? and I know that I don't care what people think but what if I offend someone and they never like me again. What if my real views are too militant and what if no one ever understands me? Should I just digress and move on? Will I allow myself to do so?

I removed myself from this entry to try and get some clarity and you know what I found? Sometimes the ones you depend on to give you some sanity and you wish were there for you are in a more miserable state than you and they can't give you peace if they don't have it. I can't rely on others to settle my mind and heart.

After all the reflection I have to figure out what I love and pursue it. I can't sit and wait for those who I seek approval from to comfort me. So while it sounds good on "paper" can I really do it and when do I push myself to the limit and test myself. When is the time? Sorry to quote someone whom we wouldn't consider a great intellectual mind but "there's never a good time to say goodbye" (Chris Brown) so why not now?

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Hi All,

Just a quick note...as some of you may remember last year around this time my job Gordmans offered free coupons for 15% off your total purchase. Well it's that time of year again and they are offering us prizes if we get the highest amount of sales. I realize that you all are all over the place and there may not be a Gordmans in your area....sorry about that....however if there is a Gordmans in your area this is a great promotion to take advantage of. You can go to the Gordmans website to see if there is one in your area.

If there is a Gordmans in your area and you are interested in receiving some of these coupons please email me at visionarydiva1@aol.com

Update on my current situation coming later. I am working 2 jobs and trying to prepare for finals. So I'm busy busy busy...I'm making my rounds so that I can catch up with all of you all.

Thanks

Amy

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Hi All,

I know I haven't been around in awhile but so much is going on. I am working two jobs and preparing for finals and I made up my mind to move out of state (Birmingham here I come) and a new boyfriend....It's a lot. But I haven't forgotten JLand. I've been spending alot of time using myspace the more I find out about it the more I love it. Please stop by sometime....I keep my blog there updated more often then this one....I need some friends so give me a holla!!!

There is so much on my plate right now I'm not even sure how I am holding it all together. I am going to have to put myself on a strict schedule. This is my last semester of school and I will have my degree and I am so excited...however my grades are leaving alot to be desired...I need to be reading and studying right now lol!!!

You know I am a big creature of habit and for a weekend I considered taking Dre back. I had gotten comfortable with the way things used to be mean while I was forgetting about all the drama and the cheating and the fact that he doesn't work. So after the weekend was over and I was sober and going back to work I started to look at him and almost felt disgusted. Yeah he's a good lay but I'm a grown woman with 4 kids I need more than some good pipe....you feel me!!! I need a man that will go to work to support his family and handle his business....It finally hit me that this situation was nothing new. Dre and I have always had fun together...we could club together unlike most couples, we could laugh and joke with eachother and we always had great sex...but when it came down to business it was a no go. He just isn't going to do it. So although I am a creature of habit I have decided that one good habit I have is looking out for what is best for the boys and he's just not the type of role model I want them to have to adios!!!!

Don't forget to stop My Myspace page so I can add you to my friends.

Holla

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This is my 3rd time trying to make this entry happen....so it's going to be a quick one. I've finally decided to move to Birmingham, Alabama. I figure I'm ready for a change and I really want to be around my family. My Uncle just passed last week and now my aunt after 37 years of marriage will be living alone and I want to be closer to her. Also, I want the kids to grow up somewhere different that is more geared towards our culture while embracing other cultures also. I've also met me a man down there and I am so in love right now. We have alot working against us and the relationship will never really be what I want it to be but I don't care because I love him so much. He totally understands the situation with Dre and he thinks I should move him down here with me for the kids sake. He grew up there and he thinks that the boys would have a better chance of making it if their dad was around. Which I agree with...but I don't want him to feel like he is moving so that we can make a new start together because I'm still not sure I want him. I know that I am not in love with him. I have a hard time dealing with all the disrespect he showed over the years and I don't know if I can ever truly get past it. I want to....but I just keep thinking everything happens for a reason. I let Dre know that I had a boyfriend and we are intimate and he was devastated but I didn't feel bad at all because unlike him I waited until we had been broken up for months before I went out and was intimate with someone and I made that man take me on dates and we talked alot before I just gave him my most prized possession. Dre just went out and cheated on me while I was at home cooking, cleaning, and working hard. How do I forgive that? But at the same time how can I hurt my kids just because of what he did to me? I guess I have to talk to Dre and see if maybe we can move down there and he can get his own place so that it doesn't seem like we are working on our relationship. I don't know what to do I wish somebody would help me clearly think about all of this.

Can't thinkno more I gotta go.

Amy

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I had to write this one in my private journal. Secrets of a Visionary Diva 

If you aren't on the list let me know and I will add you

Much Luv

Amy

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