Depression Support Journal

Inner Child Information


Just who, or what, is the Inner Child?
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Everybody has one, no matter how different or alien that thought might be.  Our Inner Child is the part of us that is ultimately alive, energetic, creative and fulfilled.
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It's who we TRULY are.  Putting it another way, it is our Real Self--as we were meant to be.
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What happens is that, with the help of parents, other authority figures, institutions such as education, organized religion, politics, the media, and even psychotherapy, most of us learn to stifle or deny that Inner Child.
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When this part isn't allowed expression at all, we end up with a false self--a front we put on for the world, and ultimately come to believe is the "real" us.
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So what about the False Self?
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Our false self is co-dependent (go figure!).  This is the part of us that generally feels uncomfortable or strained.  Our False Self is a cover-up.  It is inhibited and fearful.  It's egocentric, forever planning and plodding, continually selfish, blaming, shaming and perfectionist.
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Anyone else see themselves in the above? 
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Our False Self is alienated from our True Self, or Inner Child,  and is other-oriented.  That means that it cares about what other people think, it focuses on what the False Self THINKS others want it to be.  It gives love only conditionally.  It covers up, hides or denies feelings.  It even makes up false feelings!  Whenever you answer a "How are you." with a "Fine." you are being a False Self.  Of course, sometimes this response is necessary when you don't want to get into a discussion about details, but when it is a friend, when it is your therapist, when it your significant other--that is putting on your False Self.
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Our False Self is either aggressive or passive, it cannot be appropriately assertive.  And get this--our False Self has severe boundary problems. (Come on, you KNEW I was going to put the "B" word in here somewhere!)
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Ok, so how do we heal our Inner Child, and let our False Self go away?
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Well first we need to talk about Human Needs.  These are things we didn't get enough of, or the proper type, or we didn't get them at all.  Almost ALL of these needs are associated with our relationship with our self and with people around us.
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Human Needs:
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Survival, Safety and Security
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Touching
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Attention
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Mirroring and Echoing
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Guidance
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Listening, Participating and Accepting.
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There are other needs we all have, and I have listed them below in order of necessity to life, to growing up healthy.
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1. Survival
2. Safety
3. Touching, skin contact
4. Attention
5. Mirroring and echoing
6. Guidance
7. Listening
8. Being Real
9. Participating
10. Acceptance
    - Others are aware of, take seriously and admire the Real You (Inner Child)
    - Freedom to be the Real you
    - Tolerance of your feelings
    - Validation
    - Respect
    - Belonging and love
11 to grieve losses and to grow.
12. Support
13. Loyalty and trust
14. Accomplishment
    - Mastery, "power," "control"
    - Creativity
    - Having a sense of completion
    - Making a contribution
15. Altering one's state of consciousness, transcending the ordinary
16. Sexuality
17. Enjoyment or fun
18. Freedom
19. Nurturing
20. Unconditional love (including connection with a Higher Power)
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Our Human Needs:
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Survival, Safety and Security:
A baby requires so much attention that someone must be available and able to provide enough needs for its simple survival.  At the barest minimum, this includes its safety and security.
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Touching
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Infants deprived of touching fail to thrive and grow.  Touch is necessary for life.  Touching is most powerful by appropriate skin to skin.  It seems that in order to feel connected and cared for, we need from 4 to 12 hugs a day as health maintenance.
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Attention
Someone must give attention, attend to, the child.  This must be done at a minimum so that at least its safety, security and touching are met.
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Mirroring and Echoing
This is the next need on the list.  This begins to validate the child--or even the adult--as a feeling and thinking being.  Mirroring andechoing is when a mother reacts non-verbally by facial expression, posture, sounds, and other movements so that the child realizes that it's understood.
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If the mother or parent cannot provide these first few needs, the child's physical, mental-emotional and spiritual growth will likely be stunted.
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Guidance
This is a part of helping the infant and/or child to develop and grow.  It may include advice, assistance, and any other form of help, verbal or non-verbal.  It also includes modeling and teaching appropriate and healthy social skills.
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Listening, Participating and Accepting
It's helpful to know someone hears us, even if they don't always understand.
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What can we do to Heal our Inner Child?
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All (I feel it's fairly safe to say) of us,  suffered from some sort of dysfunctional family.  We're co-dependent.  We pull close to others and then push them away.  (The I hate you, don't leave me syndrome, lol.)
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Because we suffered from a lack of these necessary needs, or these needs were met inadequately, for whatever reason--alcoholic parent, absent parent, loss of parent, anything--we have to learn how to meet these needs for ourselves.  This often takes help from someone else, maybe a spiritual counselor or a therapist.  We have to be able to meet these needs for our Inner Child NOW, so that we can heal ourselves to be what we were meant to be.

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