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Analyzing, Fear, And Baggage
I have heard these things, many times...
"You think too much",
"You think too deep",
"You think things to death"
and my favorite,
"You over analyze things..."
Me.
Illogical, emotion-driven Jae, over analyzes things!
LOL!
Okay regardless of whether or not I am truly analytical is beside the point.
Being emotionally analytical, if there is such a thing, is probably an accurate description of the real Jae, though.
I will admit, I do think things to death.
That, I will own.
But, does anyone ever consider the reason for which I do this?
In relationships, fear is the primary motivator.
When someone has been "blind-sided" and thus devastated, as many times as I have, it is only natural to build a defense in which to avoid it happening, again.
My automatic defense to protect myself, is to watch for signs, and when I see them, I try to interpret what is "written between the lines" so to speak. I feel those vibes; those nasty, unwelcome ripples of negative energy that smother me when "something is up."
I may not always figure out what that "something" is, but I almost ALWAYS know there is something there.
Decoding it is where I fail.
My family, my friends, even my supervisors and coworkers have had to admit, that, yes, I have a keen sense of my environment and the vibes I feel in any given situation are real. I may ask, over and over, "what is going on?" No matter how many times I am reassured that nothing is going on, I continue to press for an answer. And because I "know" there is something going on, I get nervous. I have to wonder if it has something to do with me. Will it affect me negatively? Do I need to be prepared for the worst? Since I have proven this point of "feeling" something in the air, many times over, my "people" have now become accustomed to answering "It has nothing to do with you, don't worry" instead of "nothing is going on" because they KNOW that I KNOW the atmosphere in which I exist, at that moment, is riddled with negativity and signals which shout out to me, and make it hard to breathe that air in which they permeate. I am unable to ignore them. They will not go away, no matter how hard I try to push them away. They will also 'fess up, immediately, to an issue that does have somthing to do with me.
But, when someone says, "Nothing" as an answer to my query of "Is something wrong", I begin searching within myself for an answer. I try to guess. I almost always guess wrong, but because of my past experiences, I have only negative answers inside of me to the negative feelings I am sensing around me, to rely on.
This is where "baggage" comes into play.
Emotional baggage.
The absolute worst kind there is.
When someone gets frustrated with me, I, too, become frustrated, because they have no idea from where I come. Very few have lived a life akin to the life I had with John. After 8 years of emotional hell that was my life with him, I came out alive, but not completely intact (emotionally). Therefore, I am now pushing around a Costco cart overloaded with tattered and torn baggage! Only time will allow me to unload it all; to get rid of it; to leave it behind me, for good.
In the meantime, there are so many people I am going to come in contact with that will get frustrated with me, for lack of the ability to understand. Nothing against them by any means, but it is hard to communicate on the same level, emotionally. When their frustration (and sometimes even anger) appears, I get frustrated, and scared and lonely.
I was just told this morning, "Don't over analyze everything. Nothing is wrong."
Do I honestly believe that?
Nope.
Do I want to believe that?
Hell, yes, I do!
I want to believe, more than anything, that whatever it is I am feeling is truly not about me, but about them. Their life, their worries, their life struggles with either day to day, or long term life issues.
After all, who would WANT/CHOOSE to walk around this earth feeling crappy and insecure and suspicious of every good thing and every good person who exists in their world, like I do???
It is miserable, to say the least.
But, the key to unloading that overflowing cart is to stop being fearful, avoid overanalyzing, and to trust that good things can/will happen to me. To trust the people who want to be with me and around me. I just have to them all a chance. Take another leap, offer up that "blind faith" especially for those who deserve my trust.
How am I going to do that?
Uh...
Let me THINK about that for a bit...
yakima127 at 11:24:00 AM EDT Blog about this entry |
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Silly girl . . . you definetly made your point cause this whole entry was you over analyzing things. LOL Have a happy tomorrow. Luv ya!
Allison -
Trust, a lifetime to earn and only a doubt to distroy..... Just measure it out so you don't lose track of it. Blind faith truely is blind. Hugs Lanny
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Ahh yeah, been there and still doing that. So many have asked why go there (referring to my always bringing up my past and the abuse). My reply is always "why not?"...It's still a part of you, you lived those years, had those experiences. Denying any of it just gives it strength to drown you later on in life. Honestly I'm a better person for all the introspection I do and I think you will agree so are you. As I said to another friend before, unless you have lived it, owned it you can't understand what lies beneath another persons reaction to anything. (Hugs) Indigo
http://journals.aol.com/rdautumnsage/ravens-lament/ -
I think all of us who have been thru divorce are in the same boat. (Men, too if they were the ones dumped) Even after almost 18 yrs hanging out with Bob, I'm not totally trusting. And perhaps his occasional bad behavior is a result of me not being able to get close to him. I'm totally detached emotionally because "by golly, if he walks out...I'm not getting hurt again!" When my ex left I was totally devestated and even though he was a "player" I never thought he'd actually leave, especially with the woman I considered a dear friend. I don't have any advice for you...but I think when "true love" comes along, you'll know it. You'll be relaxed and comfortable & he will put you and your family and needs first before his. Linda where at the moment~the sun is shining. http://journals.aol.com/lsfp1
960/LindasWorld/
5/2/08 9:36 AM
xoxo